As a fantasy and intrigue addict, that is not a place I’m allowed to live anymore. Roxanne, the anti-heroine, of my novel Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict has the same problem. Here is our list of No-Go movies! Enjoy the plight.
1. THE NOTEBOOK
Come on! Obviously, you can understand why the Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams romantic love story would be number 1 on the list. This movie is the ultimate fantasy for any red-blooded female. I mean, don’t we all dream of our first love writing us every day for a year to later find each other again but it be all complicated and dramatic. That we would have to choose between two handsome fellas pining over us. Not to mention the ridiculous rain scene. I get into that much more in the book! Let’s just say it can really mess up your week if you watch this film.
2. PRETTY WOMAN
Another full-blooded-fantasy-ride where a handsome, rich, and sweet business mogul will save us from poverty and of course, prostitution. Yeah, who loves us for who we really are underneath that fake hair, black hat and slutty dress. Yes, I’m talking to all of us with those hair extensions including myself. I mean, it’s the classic white knight saving syndrome. I mean, who doesn’t want to get saved and then move into the Beverly Wilshire Hotel with all you can eat room service? Sign me up!
3. MOULIN ROUGE
Ahh, who hasn’t dreamed about living in Paris in the 1900 as a courtesan/singer. The glitz and glamour of that time period while dancing around singing cover songs from past popular hits. Now that sounds like a fun fantasy to live in, except the bleed of the mouth, tuberculosis death at the end. That part I could do without. The rest of the movie is one big singing extravaganza. All the love songs, flashy costumes with their corseted tiny waistline. Plus the forbidden love story of Satine and Christian. The tagline reading “love that will live forever.” Yep, not healthy at all!
4. THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS
Come on, who doesn’t want to be beautifully lit by the sunsets and those stunning mountain ranges in the background. On top of the most flawlessly created booming orchestral scoring in any motion picture. I wish the composer Trevor Jones and Randy Edelman would create the sound track to my life. Every time I hear similar drumming my heart skips a beat. I start to feel all that unbridled passion between Hawkeye and Cora. The characters played by Daniel Day Lewis and Madeleine Stowe. All that sweat, running and heavy breathing gets me every time. And yes, get me a man that would recite those famous lines before jumping out of a water fall —“No! You stay alive! Submit, do you hear? You’re strong, you survive. You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you . . .” Panty dropper every time!
5. ROMEO AND JULIET
I’m specifically talking the version from the 1968 with Michael White’s mouthwatering butt. But this can count for the Leonardo DiCaprio version from 1996. Listen, this one is a huge NO NO for me. Even though I grew up watching a bunch of Shakespeare plays and movies. This movie left a mark on my psych. I truly believed that real love had to have a nice tushy and one or both lovers had to be willing to kill themselves with poison or a knife in the chest. Really that true love had to be so forbidden and dramatic someone had to die for it. Let’s just say, my therapist had a field day breaking down the damaging imprints that this movie instilled in me.